Honesty
I always wonder what my next post is going to be and when.I can't just whip out a post at any given time.For me,it doesn't work that way.I guess it could but then,it would not be me.
I am really learning how to live fully for God.Of course it's not easy.But one thing I think that has really stood in my way has been not being honest.With God or myself.Mainly myself.Because let's face it,if you aren't honest with yourself first, you can't be honest at all.
So to be able to be honest I have to feel.Yes..UGH!I have to feel my emotions.Typically I try to ignore them,which hasn't done me any good in the past.So I figured,"Hey,let's try something different because this obviously isn't the answer."Coincidentally the book I am reading in my Bible study group is onto the second chapter which is about lying.It talks about how we lie even when we don't think we are lying.We lie about how we feel because we are told for so long what is right and wrong when it comes to feelings.Now,don't get me wrong...I am totally not into this whole hedonistic society that is happening.What I am into is being honest.If I don't like something,that's ok.But that doesn't mean that that something is actually bad for me,it just means I don't like it.And it's ok to say I don't like it.
I have felt this pressure to say that everything is fine or that I am ok with this or that when,sometimes,everything is not ok or I am not ok with this or that.And the thing is feelings change so suddenly if I just let myself assess my emotional state,I am finding,I can actually work through my emotions.This may not be news for some people but you have NO idea how much of a game changer this is for me.
For example when planning on visiting people and things change because they would rather do something else so they cancel or cut our visit short and say,"I hope that's ok."Well at first I am frustrated because I took time out of my day...yadda,yadda...you know the whole thing about how you can make it about you?Yeah,I do that.That's what happens at first and then I think about the times I have needed to change things around.This process of relating helps me to extend grace in the situation and calms me down.If I am still irritated by the situation then I think about all the other possibilities that this short visit has given me time to do in an already time restricted day.
Another example of being honest with myself is about everyday sin or affect of sin.I have two friends and both are pregnant.One of my friends is making bad choices and continues to ask for prayer and guidance but refuses to (by her actions) not to do the right thing.Which is actually making her life much harder than it needs to be and is causing her to not enjoy her pregnancy.My other friend is wanting more children and trying to do what is right and facing another miscarriage.Honestly,I HATE that my friend who wants a child so badly has been through miscarriages before and is now going through it again.I HATE IT!I HATE IT!I HATE IT!I hate that my other friend is making bad choices of her own free will and is scrambling about.I love her but I HATE the sin that has taken hold of her life.And you know what?It's ok for me to say that.Does that make me any less of a Christian?No.Does it make me angry at God?No.Because I know where this comes from...the fall.This is not how God wanted us to live.We were not meant for this brokenness,we were not meant for a world separated from God.I hate the sin that brings so much sadness and continues the domino effect throughout the generations.
I wish we,Christians,could be honest with ourselves about how we feel.The world doesn't need to know all our feelings.But God WANTS to know.I also think we can and should be (suppose to be) safe places for each other.I think when we ask how someone is we should be honest in our request to know how they are.And when we are asked we should feel safe to share.I was asked about six months ago by another Christian how I was doing and I was honest.And she said,"Well,maybe when people ask, you don't have to share so much." Which I replied,"Well,when people ask me how I am,I assume they actually want to know."I didn't say it mean just very matter of fact. I could tell she was not offended by this and then realized what she had just said.She contradicted herself.I have taken what she said and I share more with God and less with people but I will no longer just say,"I'm fine"if I'm not.What good does that do for me or anyone?I mean I am not going to be sharing my whole life story.But I will share how I am actually making it,whether it be through that week or day.
Usually I am fine but I don't want to miss the moments when I am not.Because if I do I won't be able to grow in my feelings.I need to process those emotions.I need to be in those emotions.I need to feel.God created us to feel.Feelings tell us things.We can learn from them.I think it's so funny that I thought I was sensitive because I have so many feelings when I am pretty sure I was sensitive because I wasn't dealing with my feelings.Having feelings?Dealing with feelings?Hmmm.Bottom line for me is I just need to stop and be.Be still and know He is God.Just be.Just know.He IS God.And I have found the more honest,broken I am before Him,the closer He brings me to Him.The more I grow.The more I see Him in my life.Because the honest truth is...I can't live without Him.I cannot do this without Him.And I wouldn't want to.
Be honest with yourself today.It's good.
I am really learning how to live fully for God.Of course it's not easy.But one thing I think that has really stood in my way has been not being honest.With God or myself.Mainly myself.Because let's face it,if you aren't honest with yourself first, you can't be honest at all.
So to be able to be honest I have to feel.Yes..UGH!I have to feel my emotions.Typically I try to ignore them,which hasn't done me any good in the past.So I figured,"Hey,let's try something different because this obviously isn't the answer."Coincidentally the book I am reading in my Bible study group is onto the second chapter which is about lying.It talks about how we lie even when we don't think we are lying.We lie about how we feel because we are told for so long what is right and wrong when it comes to feelings.Now,don't get me wrong...I am totally not into this whole hedonistic society that is happening.What I am into is being honest.If I don't like something,that's ok.But that doesn't mean that that something is actually bad for me,it just means I don't like it.And it's ok to say I don't like it.
I have felt this pressure to say that everything is fine or that I am ok with this or that when,sometimes,everything is not ok or I am not ok with this or that.And the thing is feelings change so suddenly if I just let myself assess my emotional state,I am finding,I can actually work through my emotions.This may not be news for some people but you have NO idea how much of a game changer this is for me.
For example when planning on visiting people and things change because they would rather do something else so they cancel or cut our visit short and say,"I hope that's ok."Well at first I am frustrated because I took time out of my day...yadda,yadda...you know the whole thing about how you can make it about you?Yeah,I do that.That's what happens at first and then I think about the times I have needed to change things around.This process of relating helps me to extend grace in the situation and calms me down.If I am still irritated by the situation then I think about all the other possibilities that this short visit has given me time to do in an already time restricted day.
Another example of being honest with myself is about everyday sin or affect of sin.I have two friends and both are pregnant.One of my friends is making bad choices and continues to ask for prayer and guidance but refuses to (by her actions) not to do the right thing.Which is actually making her life much harder than it needs to be and is causing her to not enjoy her pregnancy.My other friend is wanting more children and trying to do what is right and facing another miscarriage.Honestly,I HATE that my friend who wants a child so badly has been through miscarriages before and is now going through it again.I HATE IT!I HATE IT!I HATE IT!I hate that my other friend is making bad choices of her own free will and is scrambling about.I love her but I HATE the sin that has taken hold of her life.And you know what?It's ok for me to say that.Does that make me any less of a Christian?No.Does it make me angry at God?No.Because I know where this comes from...the fall.This is not how God wanted us to live.We were not meant for this brokenness,we were not meant for a world separated from God.I hate the sin that brings so much sadness and continues the domino effect throughout the generations.
I wish we,Christians,could be honest with ourselves about how we feel.The world doesn't need to know all our feelings.But God WANTS to know.I also think we can and should be (suppose to be) safe places for each other.I think when we ask how someone is we should be honest in our request to know how they are.And when we are asked we should feel safe to share.I was asked about six months ago by another Christian how I was doing and I was honest.And she said,"Well,maybe when people ask, you don't have to share so much." Which I replied,"Well,when people ask me how I am,I assume they actually want to know."I didn't say it mean just very matter of fact. I could tell she was not offended by this and then realized what she had just said.She contradicted herself.I have taken what she said and I share more with God and less with people but I will no longer just say,"I'm fine"if I'm not.What good does that do for me or anyone?I mean I am not going to be sharing my whole life story.But I will share how I am actually making it,whether it be through that week or day.
Usually I am fine but I don't want to miss the moments when I am not.Because if I do I won't be able to grow in my feelings.I need to process those emotions.I need to be in those emotions.I need to feel.God created us to feel.Feelings tell us things.We can learn from them.I think it's so funny that I thought I was sensitive because I have so many feelings when I am pretty sure I was sensitive because I wasn't dealing with my feelings.Having feelings?Dealing with feelings?Hmmm.Bottom line for me is I just need to stop and be.Be still and know He is God.Just be.Just know.He IS God.And I have found the more honest,broken I am before Him,the closer He brings me to Him.The more I grow.The more I see Him in my life.Because the honest truth is...I can't live without Him.I cannot do this without Him.And I wouldn't want to.
Be honest with yourself today.It's good.
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