Letting go,Loving Self and Finding God
I have so many things going on in this head of mine right now.Where to start?Well,it's been awhile since I updated on Tim's condition.Thankfully he is doing much better.Lyme's disease,I always thought,was no big deal.Mainly because I knew nothing about it until I had to learn.Isn't that always the case?But before I go any further let me just start by saying this is not a pity post or an unhappy post by any means.This is put together with a humble and grateful heart.Took my heart awhile to "feel" this way or to get to this point.But it has become grateful and very humbled at what the last few years,especially the last year,has taken us through.
It seems strange to talk about something that happened so suddenly and terrible to my husband that it would be such a world shaker for me.But I guess that's how it goes,right?I mean sometimes I feel foolish looking back at how self-centered and angry I was at what was happening at MY life when it was TIM'S poor health that was affecting OUR lives.
Even though this story is far from over I KNOW it has a happy ending because I am not focused on my circumstances as much as I am focused on God.I know He has brought us through the worst of it.You know how good God is?Me neither.I mean the extent to which He is truly good.But I know HE IS GOOD.He is good because He allowed all the junk that was in my heart to surface through those trying times.He is good because He allowed me to wrestle and question Him and life and everything that I had never doubted before.He is good because He allowed me to feel like I was alone and then showed me I was never alone at all.He is good because He didn't leave me the same way He found me when all this first started.He is good!Why?Because He loves me despite my circumstances and in spite of myself.And through it all I have learned to love myself.And the thing I learned about loving myself is that I cannot possibly hate myself and love others or God.Loving others is loving God.And in order to love others I MUST love myself.But,again and always,He is good because He taught me how to love myself.Not the idea of what I had for myself but how He sees me and the purpose He has for me.
You may be thinking,"Ok,that's great but what about Tim?" Well, needless to say we have become stronger and closer because of this struggle.But Tim is a pretty private kinda guy.It may sound strange but I don't really know what he is thinking about.I mean I know he is more hopeful than when all this started but pretty much that's all.I've learned to be ok with that.I may not like it because I am the type of person that wants to curl up in a blanket and eat some heavy carbs and talk about feelings.While Tim is your typical man's man.Rub some dirt in it and keep trucking.No feelings talk.I am sure there is a healthy balance between the two of us,haha.That's part of the reason we make such a great team because we are so different and we can meet in the middle when we need to.And we have.
JOY.That's the word that comes to mind when I think about what we have been through.When you know joy,you KNOW joy.I am happy most of the time but I am full of joy all the time now.It is so sweet.
What makes all the struggles of this life all worth while is the fact that I am not alone and the struggles are never in vain.
Alright,didn't mean to get so heavy but I can't just share the light side of life because then it just wouldn't be real.And this blog has helped me to put into words things I otherwise would've been keeping inside.It is always nice to let go and be free from the heaviness of life.That's what God does ( frees us from the heaviness of life)and,for that, I am thankful.
So, the light side of it all is Tim,the boys and I spent all day yesterday morning and afternoon as a family!It was great.It has been a loooong time since we have been able to spend a Saturday together and it was so much fun.First we visited the local farmer's market,then had a lunch at the park and THEN headed over ro the clothesline fair which is a craft show.The boys didn't even have any melt downs.I mean,come on,what more could a mama ask for!I didn't take any pictures because I was in the moments of it all and it was beautiful.
What has God been doing in your life?I would love to know!
It seems strange to talk about something that happened so suddenly and terrible to my husband that it would be such a world shaker for me.But I guess that's how it goes,right?I mean sometimes I feel foolish looking back at how self-centered and angry I was at what was happening at MY life when it was TIM'S poor health that was affecting OUR lives.
Even though this story is far from over I KNOW it has a happy ending because I am not focused on my circumstances as much as I am focused on God.I know He has brought us through the worst of it.You know how good God is?Me neither.I mean the extent to which He is truly good.But I know HE IS GOOD.He is good because He allowed all the junk that was in my heart to surface through those trying times.He is good because He allowed me to wrestle and question Him and life and everything that I had never doubted before.He is good because He allowed me to feel like I was alone and then showed me I was never alone at all.He is good because He didn't leave me the same way He found me when all this first started.He is good!Why?Because He loves me despite my circumstances and in spite of myself.And through it all I have learned to love myself.And the thing I learned about loving myself is that I cannot possibly hate myself and love others or God.Loving others is loving God.And in order to love others I MUST love myself.But,again and always,He is good because He taught me how to love myself.Not the idea of what I had for myself but how He sees me and the purpose He has for me.
You may be thinking,"Ok,that's great but what about Tim?" Well, needless to say we have become stronger and closer because of this struggle.But Tim is a pretty private kinda guy.It may sound strange but I don't really know what he is thinking about.I mean I know he is more hopeful than when all this started but pretty much that's all.I've learned to be ok with that.I may not like it because I am the type of person that wants to curl up in a blanket and eat some heavy carbs and talk about feelings.While Tim is your typical man's man.Rub some dirt in it and keep trucking.No feelings talk.I am sure there is a healthy balance between the two of us,haha.That's part of the reason we make such a great team because we are so different and we can meet in the middle when we need to.And we have.
JOY.That's the word that comes to mind when I think about what we have been through.When you know joy,you KNOW joy.I am happy most of the time but I am full of joy all the time now.It is so sweet.
What makes all the struggles of this life all worth while is the fact that I am not alone and the struggles are never in vain.
Alright,didn't mean to get so heavy but I can't just share the light side of life because then it just wouldn't be real.And this blog has helped me to put into words things I otherwise would've been keeping inside.It is always nice to let go and be free from the heaviness of life.That's what God does ( frees us from the heaviness of life)and,for that, I am thankful.
So, the light side of it all is Tim,the boys and I spent all day yesterday morning and afternoon as a family!It was great.It has been a loooong time since we have been able to spend a Saturday together and it was so much fun.First we visited the local farmer's market,then had a lunch at the park and THEN headed over ro the clothesline fair which is a craft show.The boys didn't even have any melt downs.I mean,come on,what more could a mama ask for!I didn't take any pictures because I was in the moments of it all and it was beautiful.
What has God been doing in your life?I would love to know!
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